Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.