Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
You Might Also Like
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.