the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
True
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here