@Jamberee13

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

@Jamberee13

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

@Jamberee13

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

@Jamberee13

Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*

Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man

Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*

Me: touché

@Jamberee13

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

@Jamberee13

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

@Jamberee13

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

@Jamberee13

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

@Jamberee13

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

@Jamberee13

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening