My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: