ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
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WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Battery falling down a hole
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.