can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
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Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Legend 🤣🤣
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house