I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
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*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information