[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Nice try Hitler
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.