This is hilarious….
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Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
That’s enough internet for the day
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.