Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Customer is always right
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*