My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Sunday
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”