*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
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date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered