Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Picture me naked.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.