@Jandalize

Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

@Jandalize

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

@Jandalize

Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.

@Jandalize

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

@Jandalize

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

@Jandalize

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

@Jandalize

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

@Jandalize

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

@Jandalize

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.