outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
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Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
live long and prosper!
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.