Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
This makes total sense…
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong