me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*