I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I’ll be mad as hell!
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
President The Rock Obama
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.