Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
yeet
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.