“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Fluff me with a fork baby
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.