Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.