On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now