Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Remember mad cow disease?
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.