@Jarhead44

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

@Jarhead44

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

@Jarhead44

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

@Jarhead44

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

@Jarhead44

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

@Jarhead44

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.