Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Jarhead44's best tweets

@Jarhead44 : I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

@Jarhead44: Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

@Jarhead44: Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don't be like Mike.

@Jarhead44: Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it's hand out of its pants.

@Jarhead44: When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

@Jarhead44: FYI -
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I'll keep you all posted.

@Jarhead44: Always remember -

If you're having a conversation with somebody that doesn't speak English, just talk louder.

@Jarhead44: My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

@Jarhead44: I don't really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

@Jarhead44: "Grandpa, I can't stop thinking about Santa's sack."

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.