[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.