I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas