I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
You Might Also Like
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Bobby pin
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
where the womens at?
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.