*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes