Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.