The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
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I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
my fav colour is also hitler
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.