It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
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I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.