Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.