Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her

Bartender: Oh yeah?

Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th

::rushes home::


A cute girl with brilliance is the best thing in the world that doesn’t have cheese on it

Wait couldn’t I just put the che

Mother of god


Me: “I really like this car”

Salesman: “Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!”

Me: “Eh, what else ya got?”


The asian girl I’m playing chess against is really hot, you might say she’s worth a…

*puts on sunglasses*

“Second rook”


I finally started writing the book on herbs I’ve been putting off for so long, I guess it’s..

:looks directly at the camera:

“About thyme”