I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
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I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
We like the way Dwight thinks
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*