[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*