I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
When I laugh on my period
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.