You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
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“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.