@Jay_FrickinLynn

*slams hands on table*

HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Hi
Kid:
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”

@Jay_FrickinLynn

M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
H: What?
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Good night, moon.

[30 mins later]

Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching.

God: Alright, but wouldn’t it be funny if they couldn’t reach their backs?