*slams hands on table*
HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?
ME: I fell in the shower.
HIM: Send pics
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?
Me: We broke up.
Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.
[Giving a toast]
“It was when I was entering blackout that I realized I forgot the Plan B at home. Happy 1st birthday, you little accident.”
M: If I cashew looking through my windows agai-
M: I saw you pecan!
H: No, I wasn-
M: You’re macadamian me mad.
H: You’re nuts.
Me: Good night, moon.
[30 mins later]
Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?
Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching.
God: Alright, but wouldn’t it be funny if they couldn’t reach their backs?
[At make-up counter]
But does this lipstick come off of a taint?