The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
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Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”