I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second