My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
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You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them