Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Me: Then I’m not coming.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She’s had a headache for the past 15 years.
If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
M: Not using my blinker?
M: Because I’m drunk?
Cop: Sir get off the mower!
Wife: You act like a child with that phone.
Me: Child? I’m a grown ass man.
Wife: Let me see your phone.