Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman