I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
You Might Also Like
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single