In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
You Might Also Like
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.