PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
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Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Is anyone gonna tell them?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day