Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?
Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.