1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?
Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.