My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
twitter users today:
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches