I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The legends speak of a third Duran…
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?