When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…