@JeffisTallguy

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

@JeffisTallguy

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

@JeffisTallguy

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

@JeffisTallguy

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

@JeffisTallguy

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

@JeffisTallguy

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.