Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Ground beef is cow applesauce
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.