We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
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The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.