[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
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The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope