A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
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Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube